It’s Valentine’s Day coming up and I’m planning on surprising my girlfriend with a beautiful flower display. She’s the love of my life, the apple of my eye. I want to be with her forever and on Valentine’s Day I’m going to propose. I first asked her to be my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day a […]
My girlfriend said no to my marriage proposal. I’m a combination of devastated, angry and embarrassed. She’s supposed to be the love of my life. I’m supposed to be the love of her life. I just don’t know what I did wrong. She humiliated me in front of all our friends and family, in the […]
There is nothing quite like switching on your heating on the first day of winter, expecting some relief from the frigid air, only to find that your heating system has gone kaput. Hopefully you will not have to call for air conditioning repairs in Melbourne ever again, as you master proper maintenance and care of […]
My new house has an unnecessarily large laundry room. It’s definitely intended to be a laundry – you can tell by the way the cabinets are designed. There’s a space for a washing machine and a mounted attachment point for a dryer, and a deep metal sink next to a bench with a built-in ironing […]
It’s your boy, the Glass Smashing Bandit, back from a short holiday and ready to compete on the second season of Australia’s Next Top Office. I’ll be wearing a mask the whole time to add a sense of mystery to the show, which has been approved by the producers. When I pitched it to them, […]
I love my job. Every day I get on the train and head into the Melbourne CBD, where I get to spend ten minutes taking an elevator to the 617th floor of a building nobody knows about because it’s invisible. There I get to work on the best video game nobody has ever played, and […]
The third season of The Great Australian Trade-Off is better than it’s ever been…period. Full-stop. Not a semicolon or anything, because that’s most definitely the end of the story. The internet agrees with me. While the show was pretty good in season 2, they’ve swapped out the hosts, injected this badly needed humour element and […]
Here I am, in Toowoomba. What a nice place, and what a nice name. Rolls off the tongue…Toowoomba. I have to be careful while I’m saying the name, because it’s phonetically almost identical to the spell of ear enlargement. I remember that one being a favoured prank in the academy; just whisper it from the […]
There’s a good reason fireworks are illegal in this country, as it turns out, and it’s because they can set your house on fire. Of course, that’s only if you’re silly about the whole thing, but that’s how Keynan was born: silly. I went to the milk bar to get some…milk, and I came home […]
Ah, I remember the old classic, Bash Meme Racing. You get to play as your favourite meme, and then you get to participate in an extremely tense race where you can bump into other memes if you’re sick of them. I hated it. Now, I’m not really a meme person to begin with, but this […]