Keeping Up the Cleaning Discipline

Melbourne upholstery cleaningLiving alone + cleaning. Not really a combination for success. I also don’t have that many guests, and that tends to make everything just a little bit, uh…less than optimal, in terms of productivity. I mean, you can’t let it get to the point where there’s some rotting food behind the fridge and you don’t care because you’ve grown so incredibly used to it that it just smells normal. That way when someone does visit, or worse, your parents, they can’t even stay. I haven’t grown that bad, though I have a few guy friends living together who have. I can tell you, house calls in the stench pad are no fun.

So I’m trying to make myself more proactive when it comes to cleaning. I have schedules, phone reminders, anything that’ll annoy me into cleaning. I’ve even resolve to splash out a bit, because if I’m going to be living alone for a while, I might as well develop SOME house-pride. There are businesses in Melbourne that do upholstery cleaning, which is a pretty extreme step for a single guy, but…my mother taught me better than to just let my furniture wear out. I earn a pretty good wage, so I can afford to splurge a bit. And we’re not talking ‘gaming/clothing/GF’ splurge. This is something that concerns the cleanliness of my actual living space. It’s pretty important.

Oh, and once I’ve had the upholstery cleaned, sitting on my sofa and chairs will be like floating on a fresh-smelling cloud, just like when I bought them. Wait, no…they were second hand. Okay, I’ve never experienced that, but it’s what I’m imagining. Delicious cleanliness that you can actually feel.

What else? Fabric cleaning, steam cleaning. But with actual steam, not just something I can get done myself with a vacuum cleaner. Wait, am I actually becoming house-proud…?

-Pierce

Beauty How You Like It!

I don’t consider myself political, but sometimes I just can’t stand by. And this is a hashtag. I’m a millennial, and hashtags are my absolute jam! I have no choice but to get involved!

So yeah, you know all about people who say that girls should look good for themselves and not for guys, whatever…I get that, I sympathise and I’m not about to ignite the whole debate again. But there’s another one doing the rounds on Tweeter, and that’s #youbeauty.

Sounds fine, right? It’s just a sort of Australian expression, ‘you beauty!’, what you say when something good happens. But lately, people have been using it to attack girls who get beauty treatments, as a bit of sarcastic slander. So they might gather outside a place in Melbourne that does dermal fillers, or some other beauty treatment, and actually chuck stuff at women going in like some kind of psychopathic movement. How could they be so nasty to their fellow humans? I don’t know, hashtags are weirdly powerful like that. You could tweet something like #kickpuppies and if you have enough enthusiasm you could get people all across Melbourne kicking innocent puppies. Of course, where puppies are involved there might be a storm of objection, and rightly so. But humans? Nope, they can deal with the harassment…and besides, they should know better than to get a beauty treatment. What very strange logic, but when people consider themselves activists there’s not much you can do to make them see sense. Because activists are always right, apparently, even when they’re making people miserable.

At least the hashtag doesn’t seem to be working all that well, and is even producing the opposite result. Helped by the hashtag #beautyifuwant, which says that people can have beauty treatments where and whenever they dang well please without being judged. Just when you think humanity has let you down, they snap right back, gather outside people in Melbourne and Ballarat who do eyebrow tattooing and chuck stuff right back. Ah, activism.

-Bella

National Ice-Cream Day Pro-Tip

Melbourne bathroom contractorsWell, it’s national ice-cream day. Personally, I think it needs to make room for another day, because today is the only day in history when a man was killed by a snow-shark. It’s true: back in 1978, hiker Donny Chomp was making his way through an icy tundra in northern Siberia in an attempt to break the world icy tundra walk record. However, he was found with half of his body missing eight days later. He was…no longer alive. Experts agree that it can’t have been anything other than a rare snow-shark. I had some statistics, but I left them in my other pocket. Hang on.

Yeah, so anyway, ice-cream. Closely related to bathrooms. Personally, I like to keep my house tidy and there’s nothing LESS tidy than ice-cream. It’s a food with a vendetta against furniture, plus it makes your hands all sticky. Thus, I mostly just eat ice-cream in the bathroom, since it’s easier to wash spills off the tiles, you know? And I love me some ice-cream, so I can’t just stop eating the stuff. Even in winter! I even got the best bathroom renovations Melbourne has to offer. I went for the latest and greatest trends, just so I could improve my personal ice-cream room.

There’s nothing worse than sitting in a room, licking away at your frozen treat but not enjoying the surrounds. Without the renovations, my bathroom was in a sorry state. Very 1970s, sort of faux stain glass windows, a very drab blood red colour scheme mixed with a mustard yellow sink and bathtub. Who wants to eat anything in there?? Anyway, it’s all changed now. I gave it a lavender colour scheme, everything is fine and dandy. Actually, the tiles are white, but with lavender piping. Most other things are white, though I branched out and made the shower curtain and sort of soft gold. It looks really nice, trust me. Now I can consume ice-cream to my heart’s content. I’d recommend bathroom renovators based in Melbourne resident wishing to eat frozen treats in peaceful and comfortable surroundings.

-Sanj

Bags of the Police Procedural

seal-able evidence bagsI always look forward to Saturday nights. I’m no party animal, so unless I’ve been invited out to a quiet gathering or a wedding or something, I’m always on the sofa, snacks in hand, teapot full of tea and ready to watch all my favourite shows back-to-back. Bless whoever made the scheduling so perfect.

It used to be that I watched Fantasy first, but now that’s taking a break, so I now start off with Superhero Show. Oh, those superheroes and their character dramas! Almost like their tangled love lives are more important than absolutely everything else! Yeah, so then I move into Real People of Reality House, about a bunch of real people living in a real house. But get this: everything is filmed. Crazy!

And then, my favourite of all: Police Procedural. From the moment I see that evidence bag I get excited, because it means crazy stuff is going down. The thing about Police Procedural is that it bends the rules sometimes, but you always get the impression that they’re doing it for good reasons, to enhance the policing experience. Those police men and women get up to some crazy things, for sure, and all of it in this tiny country town. How and why do people still live there when at least five people are murdered every week? At least the murders are always solved, but that part has always baffled me. Then again, it’s not quite like Quaint English Murder Drama, where the slayings are even higher. Sometimes I catch that when Police Procedural is on break, but I like the Aussie police dramas more.

I’ve even become an expert of sorts on tamper evident seals, the proper handling of evidence and so much more. My friends sometimes come to me for advice, so you can really see the benefits of watching too much TV. Not that I watch much for the rest of the week, so it’s fine.

-Klein

Me, The Missus and the Mobile

hair removal BendigoI just love dates where a person stares at their phone for the whole time. Honestly, I try to do something slightly romantic since we’ve just had our one year anniversary- got to keep those romantic flames burning, right?- but all the passion has gone. Or maybe it’s all just being directed at her phone screen, ever since that game came out. You know the one, they’ve been making memes about it for weeks now.

I even surprised her with a voucher, because I know how much Ivy loves her cosmetic tattooing. In Bendigo, the places that do that kind of thing aren’t too numerous. Usually she has to go into Melbourne, and even then she hasn’t really found one place she keeps going back to. But I don’t think that voucher is ever going to get used, because she’s totally hooked on fighting monsters, gathering magical beauty droplets and making her RPG party more beautiful than ever before. Maybe I should’ve gotten her a voucher or something. Then she could’ve purchased the MEGA ULTRA FABULOUS BUNDLE OF RADIANCE, which comes with all these beauty treatments she can give to her characters. That’s the main way they win battles, I think- the monsters in the game won’t attack someone if they’re too beautiful, or at least they won’t go for the face. That’d be marring the perfect visage. So…yeah, I guess I can get that.

I can’t actually see Ivy’s visage, because she’s always buried in her phone. Doesn’t even seem to realise that I’m there, except to excitedly tell me that the boss she just defeated had a voucher for laser hair removal. Uh, great. Remember the voucher I got you for that? No? I guess she’ll get over it, just like all fads. Or I can start playing myself and get my own back. Yeah, I’ll have my OWN laser hair removal, in Bendigo. See what she thinks of that, if she looks up from her phone…

-Thomas

Beauty Tips From Gorgeous Internet People

I LOVE beauty bloggers, vloggers, podcasters and loggers (those are the ones that write really elaborate letters and send then out to a subscription list). I just can’t get enough of this beautiful art. And did you know that beauty therapy predates both agriculture and food preparation? It’s true! I caught that little fact on one of Broella’s fact videos, which he puts up on Fridays. Broella has more subscribers on Me-Straw than anyone else, and he’s a true inspiration. He’s just so authentic, like one of us! He has a dog, he plays guitar and he likes that show about small horses. Sure, he’s also a multi-millionaire from all his endorsements, but we all have to make a living, right?

Oh, and I heard a rumour on the grapevine that Broella himself did a beauty therapy course somewhere in Melbourne. I live in Melbourne! And my uni actually has some kind of beauty course available, even though it’s not super famous, so it might have been here! Just imagine, Broella coming to my university…SWOON! If he’d been in my class I just wouldn’t have been able to concentrate. His eyelashes are so thick and luscious, and as he keeps reminding us, all you have to do to get that look is use Gina’s Super-Fab Eyelash Lotion™ every morning and evening. It hasn’t really done much for me, but I’m sure I’m doing it wrong.

Ugh, I so wish I could do a diploma of beauty therapy…it’s my life, for real. Mum and Dad are making me do something sensible, but there are always gonna be speech therapists. Who needs them, anyway? Speaking is one of the easiest things ever; you can do it from what, like, two years old? Beauty therapy takes time. There’s no course in speaking, but there IS an entire diploma of specialist makeup. What does that tell you? I’ll be a world-famous beauty vlogger one day, you’ll see. And then Broella and I will collab, and hook up behind the scenes, and my life will be complete, squee!!

-Zelda

Standard Roses For A Standard Date

standard roses for saleIt seemed so cliché but every person I had spoken to advised me to do it. Taking roses to a girl. It is the classic sign of romance but is also the classic sign of, I have no idea what I am doing and saw this in every movie I have ever watched. I did it anyway. I took it a step further though because I ordered the roses online. In the movies they always buy them from a florist on the corner of a road and have a casual chat about the lucky lady receiving them. I bought roses the modern way, I clicked and entered my banking details and hoped in exchange I would receive romance. My dating experience is limited, if you hadn’t already guessed that. As soon as the roses were delivered I regretted my decision. The roses themselves were beautiful but I just wasn’t the kind of guy that gave a girl roses, seeing them in all their glory confirmed this. So I did what any self-pitying non-dater would do, I took the roses to my mother. I did not tell her the backstory and of course, made out that I had indeed bought the roses with her in mind all along. She told me if I put half as much thought into a girl then I may not be perpetually single. Oh Mum. I told her I did actually have a date coming up and I was just going to be myself and see if that was good enough. She assured me it was plenty good enough. A few days later on my way to meet the girl I passed a florist on the corner of a road and what sign was hanging outside, standard roses for sale. The world was slapping me in the face. I bought some, and told the florist they were for my girlfriend and he winked at me just like they do in the films. Lord help me.

Those Annoyingly Gorgeous Internet Miscreants

beauty vloggers

I really hate beauty vloggers. I’m sorry, I know it’s an unpopular opinion and they get millions of views or whatever, but I can’t stand any of them. They make tons of cash just from making these super-long videos (ever heard of keeping things short??) where they just peddle some sponsored product that will NOT do what they say it will, make some cutesy little asides to try to humanise themselves and add terrible comedy, display some beauty tip that has a 50/50 chance of going completely wrong and then…well, I don’t know, because I stopped watching them years ago. Something about what kinds of healthy snacks or fads they were into that week. All that sponsored rubbish.

You know people actually do courses in this kind of thing? I’ve heard there’s even one at my uni, which is interesting since I’ve been there for five years and I wasn’t aware of people doing a diploma in beauty therapy. Places in Melbourne don’t seem like they’d be famous for that kind of thing, but there you go. So yeah, people actually study, making them a thousand times more professional than some millionaire in their bedroom who blatantly lies to their audience and makes out that they’re ‘just like them’. Ha, what a joke!

I was way into beauty therapy as a teenager. Buying into the gender stereotypes, I know…but there are stereotypes for a reason. What really annoys me was just how into them I was. I thought if I got all these tips from my best friends online, I’d be beautiful, all the boys would love me and I’d be known as gorgeous 24/7. Maybe if I actually got myself a real diploma of makeup services. As it is, I’m just glad to be free from people who try to make out like they know beauty inside and out, when they actually just know how to operate a camcorder.

-Angelica J.

Spring Fashion

spring flowering bulbsSome of my favourite things about spring: the flowers, the light, the smell and the fashion. Spring fashion is everything. It is effortless and pastel and layered. This month I was asked to design a small boutique line of womenswear for a fairly major designer. They want 10 spring themed pieces for the everyday in touch woman. I really like to take my inspiration from nature and I find when I spend a lot of time outdoors my creative juices really flow. I never start the designing process until I have a full concept for the entire line. This time I am going with standard roses. They are diverse, elegant and ubiquitous which are all traits associated with fashion and everyday women. I really like to do my research so I visited botanical gardens and flower shows wherever and whenever I can. The high society daffodil is definitely my favourite and not just because of the name, it’s grace and elegance is unrivalled and I have started drawing it in different forms as I want it to be prominent theme throughout the line. Similarly pink roses are exquisite and I can see their colours working really well as a template for a spring pant suit. I have been so captured by the beauty and power of roses I have decided to plant my own that if I have timed correctly will hopefully bloom just as my line is being released. I bought some top of the range soil enhancer and planted my brindabella roses as a sign of the progress of women and fashion. I have been sketching beside my plants every day and the line is really taking shape. Faint yellows and pinks are scattered amongst a white backdrop and I have decided to use all locally sourced ethical materials.

Mess After a Tenant…

after partyWhen you move into a house, you expect it to be clean. That’s a basic right, maybe even in the Australia constitution if that’s a real thing. Oh, you know the thing…it’s the big document that contains all the laws for governing the land. Anyway, I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in there that says people have a basic right to cleanliness, and then a little subsection that governs how landlords have to clean a property after a person vacates. It just makes me so mad!! Maybe it’s worse because my entire job revolves around cleaning Melbourne’s private venue rooms after gigantic parties. I see grime and muck ALL the time. In fact, I’ve seen things that will make your hair curl and more. But when I move into my own rental property? That’s when things get ugly, because I shouldn’t HAVE to clean this place.

I guess you could call my job ‘niche’. That’s just part of working for a very specialised cleaning company that deals only with private function rooms, I guess. Its employees have to be hand-picked due to their incredible skill at getting things as clean as they could possibly be, their attention to detail that rivals that of a pernickety feline, and a sense of duty that the world SHOULD be clean. All of it!

But I’m quick to point out that cleaning isn’t my hobby. It’s a duty, but when I know that duty SHOULD be done by someone else and that isn’t happening. I walked into my house and the grime called out to me. It wasn’t like those private function venues in Melbourne, where the scattered food remnants are acceptable and it’s my sworn job to sort it out. This should have been done. And that incited my wrath, the wrath of one who knows how things should be done, and sees them NOT being done. My wrath was terrible indeed.

-Nathan