Just Need to Lock Myself in a Small Glass Box

oxygen therapy MelbourneAt some point, I forgot how to relax. I’m not even a stressed person; I just don’t…NOT work. I should clarify: I just mean that I never really leave work mode, so I feel like I’m on duty all the time. And that’s bad.

My job isn’t stressful; I just never actually detach from it. I can’t actually remember the last time I had a Saturday to myself, or even an entire evening. I just can’t switch off, and I feel like I’m wearing thin. What do I have to do to break the cycle?? Lock myself in a box with no internet connection, maybe. Shove myself into a tank with some oxygen and play classical music until I’m basically forced to relax.

I mean, it’s not like appointments for Melbourne oxygen therapy are impossible. That stuff is everywhere nowadays, as opposed to a few years ago when people seemed to think it was some kind of recreational drug. Now its legitimate, medicinal, accepted…and to be honest, none of that is great for me. I like the idea of oxygen therapy, but they might just turn me away at the door for being too physically sound. I hear it’s meant to be for injury recovery and breathing problems, not idiots who can’t just turn off their phone to stop receiving emails. Maybe I should look into those isolation chamber things, where you float around for a bit and hallucinate. But then, I don’t really like the idea of saltwater…certainly not being in it for that long.

Suppose it doesn’t matter. One way or another, I’ll find a way to switch off, whether by technology or just sheer willpower forcing me into a healthier routine. And maybe people really do turn to oxygen therapy, Melbourne residents are all for alternative treatments. All this for a bit of rest in the healthy atmosphere. So long as I’m not robbing someone of their medicinal oxygen or anything.


The Greatest Klein Family Dispute

business lawyers MelbourneI should clarify that my family usually enjoys arguments. I know you see all the memes about board games tearing apart families at Christmas or whatever, but for us, it’s all part of the fun. We get into blazing rows, boards are tipped, pieces are flung out the window, but it’s all actually in the spirit of good fun. Dinner table conversations quickly dissolve into what would seem to an outsider like a verbal bloodbath over political views, or whether Week of Our Lives is in a new golden age or trashy TV.

But it seems like property law has finally ended it all. The traditional Klein holiday home has, as is tradition, been owned by us all. Anyone can go on holiday there at any time, so long as you book it in the sacred calendar (which is now an online document to stop people from overlapping). Everything changed when Uncle Herb went and found himself one of Melbourne’s top property solicitors and called a clan meeting. Turns out that, after all this time, the property was actually in his name all along. Of course, that does make sense…legally, it HAD to be owned by one of us. Poppa left it to all of us when he died, but you can’t spread ownership over twenty or so people. We just always thought it was a Klein unspoken law to never speak of the true ownership, because it was owned by all of us as an inheritance.

Well…Uncle Herb wants to sell it and establish a new holiday home on the Sunshine Coast. That set off Aunt Val, because three of her ex-husbands are from there. While we were trying to calm her down, Uncle Dan tried to assert his authority from the year-and-a-half of law school he completed sixteen years ago and challenged the property lawyer, who I sort of feel sorry for, for getting caught up in this.

It was not to be. Uncle Herb has consulted with the best business lawyers in the Melbourne area, and it was done. The Kleins have officially had their first argument. For us, that’s basically the apocalypse.

-Kelly Klein

Quality Goods, Guaranteed!

gas bottle holdersOur family history isn’t exactly woven into a tapestry or anything, but so far as I know, we’ve all been in business. Selling different things, mind you…but still. Lots of business. Business all around. I myself started off selling lemonade, before I realised there was far more money in low-sugar energy drinks. After I figured out how to brew those babies, I was rolling in the dough, and I pretty much put every single seller around out of business. Serves them right for sticking with lemonade, I say.

My business is, essentially, selling. Companies want me to sell things for them, I sell them, and around Melbourne that often ends up being gas bottle holders, aluminium tool boxes…just something about this place and their quality work equipment. Or rather, the WANTING quality work equipment. I pride myself on my ability to sell honey to a beehive, so aluminium toolboxes are easy. For one thing, they’re not JUST toolboxes. They detach from a ute, meaning that you can drive them anywhere and have all the tools of the trade on-hand, all the time, forever. People LOVE convenience; they’ll always go for stuff that lets them do things quicker and easier, every single time. And I’ll tell you another thing: if it shines, it sells. Not that you can sell a toolbox purely based on how shiny it is, and no one should actually be buying anything on such flimsy evidence. BUT…shine cannot be underestimated. People like new things. And when those new things are an aluminium toolbox rolling up on the back of a shiny ute, all polished and perfectly-positioned, then it’s just good business to take that and run with it. Then you click your little button and…bleep. Box locked, pitch nailed.

I’d say selling work-related things is my favourite. Nothing quite like a ute toolbox or some quality tool box central locking to really help people connect with the product.


Guy Hair, Surprisingly Tough

South Melbourne hair salonIt is I, Georgina Glass, and…wow, male hair can be really stubborn. I used to look at all the guys in my life and think about how easy they have it, but now that I’ve been helping out my friend with a hair project, my views are starting to change. For the better, I hope.

So most of my job is just sitting there while Charleine does my hair; it’s a uni thing and she needed a model. Not that I mind, because I end up with fabulous hair for free, but she and her colleagues talk about their jobs, and she was saying this morning how she had to deal with a guy who had REALLY thick hair and it took so long.

And the other girl said she was doing a bit of intern work down at a hair salon located in the Melbourne CBD and she had the same. A guy came in with short-but-curly hair and it was just a nightmare to tame, even using the best products they had on-hand. And you know, I just hadn’t thought about it like that. My amazing BF has amazing hair, but I’ve always just looked at it and thought…meh. It’s short, so it has to be easy. Then Charleine tells me that sometimes it’s easier for hairdressers to work on long hair, since it has the weight and just falls down instead of being wiry and stubborn. So if I was a hairdresser and I saw a woman walk through the door with long, luscious locks that fell to her waist, and a guy with just average-length wavy hair…no, actually that does make sense. Different hairstyles, different challenges. Especially if the guy hasn’t usd proper product or been washing his hair properly, in which case even the most talented hairdresser has a fight on their hands.

This HAS been eye-opening. Now, whenever I walk around trying to find the best hairdresser in South Melbourne, I’ll think of their many and varied challenges. And maybe guys as well, for those with the truly stubborn follicles.


Our New Kingdom Shall Need Great Lights

energy efficient home lightingI’ve been given a very important job, and that’s to research lighting.

Obviously, this is going to be an absolute essential in our future moon kingdom. I’ve been doing a bit of extra research on lunar days, and it would appear that even if we established our colony in the perfect position to receive the most light, we will still be in the grip of night time for fourteen days out of every month…or something. Not that you can trust science on anything. They’re the ones saying that a moon colony is impossible, even though our dear leader has clearly stated that it is possible.

Which means that lights will be absolutely paramount, both to establish a proper sleep cycle and not make people feel like they are caught in a dark and gloomy cycle. We’re not just talking bright, LED floodlights either. The lighting in our new kingdom must rival the special, custom-made designer LED lighting in Melbourne, with every piece of light artwork in and of itself. Perhaps we should organise a design competition, seeing as our light sources will be so very important. Perhaps they will even be a cornerstone of culture, much like how flame was before we invented such things as LED lighting to illuminate the darkness of night, allowing us to read books under the covers and play sport while getting consumed by mosquitos.

I’m certainly not going to miss the scourge of mosquitoes on the moon, mark my words. Such a great many awful things will be swept away, which is a large part of the reason we are ascending to our glorious new moon kingdom. All things shall be as new, including our very hearts and minds. And our lights, obviously.

Still, designer though they may be, there must still be an element of power. I shall have to research home energy efficient lighting solutions in Melbourne, see how to balance elegance and efficiency. For the glory and comfort of our new home, I shall not fail.


Tinting for Actual Profit

office window tinting MelbourneCan you tint a window…but only on the inside? I’m thinking that might be the best solution to our, ah, current problem. Now, the office location is great, don’t get me wrong. You only have to walk out the doors and there you go, a lovely artisan cafe. Excellent pastries. And if you want Italian food, that’s about fourteen seconds. And then there’s the city centre, right there for all your needs. Nice view of the river as well.

But it’s…distracting. We’re overlooking an extremely busy shopping intersection, and there just always seems to be something happening. Someone crashed, or there’s a street fight, or a parade, and that’s saying nothing of the street performers.

I know it’ll seem like a rather aggressive act, but I really need some office window tinting strong enough to make a difference. It’ll still let SOME light in. Or…maybe I can just invest in some warm mood lighting. I can guarantee that the electricity cost will more than be outdone by the sudden surge in productivity, as everyone stops congregating at the window to watch the latest drama down below. I tell you, some people don’t even need anything interesting. I already had to move Sandra because I kept catching her idly staring out the window at the mundane happenings down below. Then again, I suppose it’s a little bit alluring when you can see people shopping down below and you’re at work, unable to go shopping at any decent time of day. Dangit people, this is what late night shopping is for!

So yes…window tinting. Not intended to be clamping down on anyone’s fun, but it’s just a unique problem of ours. We’re in a distracting location. And office window tinting in Melbourne isn’t exactly uncommon, is it? It’ll give our windows the professional edge they so badly need.


Life on the Houseboat

outboard motor servicesSleep-easy tea really has been a lifesaver. How many times have I brushed past it on the shelf, thinking it was a scam? Like…tea can’t help you sleep. Placebo rubbish, that’s what I used to think. And then I started renting a houseboat, and I really had to do my research on sleeping methods because as it turns out, I cannot sleep with the ocean below me, as it turns out. But i did my research, found out that sleep-easy tea actually does, physically aid with sleep, and now I almost can’t sleep without it. Remind me to look into breaking THAT addiction at some point…

A houseboat is just a new experience overall. For example, I now know that Melbourne’s anchor winch industry is surprisingly strong and well-known. There’s not one single reason I would’ve known that if I hadn’t been living here, but here we are, and I need to know stuff like that. I don’t actually pilot (?) the boat, but I have to know how to keep it in good repair, and I’d rather not be drifting off into the sea during the night if there’s a freak storm. Hence…the anchor issue. Motor repair is also something to think about. And folks that live around the docks are just a different breed, from what I’ve seen so far. They were the ones that put me onto the sleeping tea to begin with, which was a sign that they don’t have the inner-city mentality of never talking to each other. Nice folks, and very open. I’ve been around to my neighbour’s place for coffee a few times already, and they don’t seem to care about it being on short notice, unlike everywhere else I’ve lived. It’s a good thing too, because when it comes to getting your outboard motor servicing done in Melbourne, I would have zero clue where to start. It’s good to have friends. It’s also great to be able to sleep as well.


I Know ALL About Designer Goods

designer lightingI, for one, cannot understand why anyone would buy a home without golden taps. I’ve heard that the common folks make do with silver- or some kind of faux silver- but I don’t know how you could. How often would you have to look at them and just feel…disappointed? Such a lack of sheen. Such a disappointment in terms of the exuberance of wealth.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand common trends, to be honest. I was talking to Vera about this at the book club the other day- heaven knows we don’t have anything ELSE to talk about, since we haven’t moved off ‘A Scandalous Affair’ in about four months- and she said that it’s only now that Melbourne’s designer lighting industry is truly taking off, making elegant things accessible to the masses. And I could tell you a thing or two about my mixed feelings on *that*.

It’s true, lighting is a bit of a hobby of mine. Running the house takes up a lot of time, but if I could be said to have a hobby, it’s a bit of home design. I could do it for a job, were I not so busy. Isn’t that the commoner’s dream? To make a career out of the thing you love? Of course, it’s not quite so simple. I have the money, the skill and the determination to make my career out of telling people what to do with their homes. I just lack the time.

As it stands, I’ll just have to be content with improving the standard of our own home, keeping the lighting up to date and making sure the workers are doing what we pay them for. Nice to know that commercial lighting services in Melbourne are getting a bit of recognition, however. And if anyone ever needs advice on their lighting needs, I’m happy to help. It’s a service I quite enjoy.

The Great Musical Pioneers

Lorne hotelNo one said pioneering a new form of music was going to be easy. But then, all the great inventors in history were scoffed at, right before they went on the change the world and thus rub it all in the faces of the people who’d been mocking them.

That’s what I’m hoping to do with our new band: Smooth Skull Melody. It’s a daring hybrid of screamo, jazz and neo-classical, with hints of alternative rock. SSM is going to be recognised as a daring experiment in the future, and one that started a melodic revolution. But for now…we’re just giving free shows on the beach. And getting kicked out.

Our band formed in Lorne, where accommodation is plentiful and perfect for holiday-goers. With such a diverse crowd from all around the place, it seemed like the perfect place to do a bit of busking, get a feel for the crowd and even spread the word all over the country, if people wanted to buy our CDs. There are plenty of buskers in Lorne; it’s all part of the holiday charm. People don’t usually set up a full band, though…and even though there are only three of us, it’s a lot of equipment. A full drum kit, for one thing. Amps for our guitars and cellos. And that trombone is pretty heavy, all things considered.

Still, we’ve secured our spot as part of Lorne’s entertainment. People coming to visit the Great Ocean Road and staying in nice hotels have their experience expanded by our avant garde music! Until the local police tell us to turn it down or get out.

See, this is what I mean about people not understanding. If I’d booked a Lorne hotel, I’d be HAPPY to be treated to an amazing musical experience while I stroll along the beach. This must be exactly how Galileo felt.


One Day, All Shall Be Part of My Kingdom

property advocateEvery year I end up at this housing conference, and every year I end up humiliated. Not in any major public way, but…it’s enough. I keep telling people that I’m going to ascend to a position of great importance, then it never actually happens. Still here. Doing the same job. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a secretary, but I conveniently keep bumping into the same people. Claire Jones from Brisbane, who now owns her own real estate firm. Good for you, Claire.

Alistair Johns, who I think has something to do with buyers advocates in Melbourne. I can’t say for sure what he does, only that it sounds terribly important and involves bumping elbows with all the housing superstars. I mean, let’s be honest: buyers advocates have the cushiest jobs that I can think of. Not that it’s easy or anything, but it IS nice to find the dream home for you clients. Oh, you need to find a really nice home? Just let me walk around some premium properties, see what I can find. If it were me I’d spend my days lounging around luxury homes pretending I was rich. You get all personal with the clients, get some walking and travelling in…man, that’d be GREAT.

And here’s me. Still just…being a lowly secretary. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a secretary, and I don’t think I’m too bad at it. 90 WPM, the highest rate of typing in the office. I can give you the low-down on the property ladder anywhere within a thirty kilometre radius of here. I do my research, basically. One day I’ll come to the conference and wear a big, shiny badge that says what I do..and that will be something important. Maybe I’ll be an estate agent team leader. Wouldn’t mind being a property advocate. Melbourne could always use more of those, right?