The Incredible Trial of Jake

buying homeOh, I am lapping this up! It’s just one shocking twist after another on Week of Our Lives, and I can’t wait for my daily dose. It doesn’t help that the world of WOOL just exploded last week, with the revelation that Sharon and Gina were the ones who pushed Jocelyn into the eel tank and not Jake. In a way I’m relieved, because he was Melbourne’s best conveyancing lawyer, a really sweet guy, a regular gym-goer and he has really great hair, so this might mean he sticks around on the show. But how is he getting out of this one? Gina and Sharon hacked his account so it basically looked like he was confessing to the crime in a horribly gruesome way.

My personal theory: photoshop. Gina did that internship for a print company six years ago, while Jake recently went on a conveyancing retreat with the company to Tahiti, so they could lie on the beach, have drinks with little umbrellas and talk about how they could more efficiently convey and transfer property. Jake took a picture on a boat with him standing on the railing, thumbs up, which he very briefly showed to Gina at the canine wedding of Princess and Sir Barks-a-Lot. It was a brief shot at the start of the scene, but I remember it clearly, and it’s an identical pose to the one he supposedly made while standing over the eel tank.

Thing is, while I can understand Sharon feeling jilted, why is Gina getting involved? Her current reasoning is weak, so there must be something else. My theory? She’s angry with Jake for his status as a conveyancing king. See, Gina has shown signs of egomania before, and nothing more represents her failure in human form more than Jake. He got the classy job she wanted as a Carlton conveyancing person, beat her in the exam, has a successful love life AND their family has a long-standing feud dating back to the seventeenth century when their great, great, great, great, great, great grandfathers were denied a duel to the death as it had been made illegal five minutes ago, thus leaving their quarrel unsolved.

Boom! Fan theory power!


The Writers Must be Crazy

for saleI might not actually WATCH the show I star in, because I’ve always thought that was egotistical, but I can tell that these scripts are a bit off point. I was thrilled to be cast in Week of Our Lives, really. It’s been my big break, and I was instantly promoted to main cast so I’m here until my contract runs out of they decide to kill me off, or perhaps both. And that’s great because we get millions of viewers, but the storylines have gotten too weird even for me.

For one thing, that recent plot with me and Sharon? You know the one, where Jocelyn started dating a Conveyancer from Carlton because she was obsessed with owning a home before she was thirty, and she also wanted children who would be financial geniuses, and they’d dominate the property market and leave her a housing empire legacy. That was alright, because Jocelyn was always a bit of a maniac (even though she’s just the sweetest thing in real life). But then the writers took a massive turn and decided that they wanted to kill her off, so they had her boyfriend push her into a tank of electric eels during a visit to Ocean-Land, which was especially cruel because she’d just visited a psychic who told her that her life would soon take a shocking turn. Oh, and then her boyfriend posted a picture of her floating body on his VisageTome account with the caption ‘Ooh, this hits me right in the EELS!’

Thing is, no one believed her sweet, conveyancing solicitor boyfriend would do that. The writers screwed up if you ask me, because Jake is smart and he wouldn’t brag about murder online. Now it’s been revealed that me and Sharon (who dated Jake before, but he split up with her because she tried to force him to convey her a free home) plotted the whole thing, hacking into Jake’s account and distracting him while we pushed Jocelyn into the eel tank. Apparently I did it because I was jealous of their love, and also because Jake was the most brilliant conveyancing lawyer in Melbourne and I was still jilted from when he beat me to that big firm job. Now all the viewers hate my character. But seriously, those are some weak reasons…who is seriously lapping this up?


Fear of ice

I Ice skating Melbournehave an all-consuming fear of ice and it means I can’t do things with my kids. I know that might sound really silly, but hear me out. About – oh maybe it was three months ago now? – my daughter, Abby, went to the birthday party of a friend of hers. Since it was really hot and the family didn’t have a pool or anything like that, they decided to look at party venues and found out that one of the better ice skating rinks in Melbourne also hosted kids birthdays. So they took their little girl and all her friends ice skating for a day. This is wonderful in itself, a truly inspired idea for a party, and I wouldn’t have had any problem with it all except that Abby came home jabbering about how much fun the day had been and how much she’d love to do it again. And I simply can’t take her.
For the first week or so I thought she’d just drop the idea, but she persisted, asking patiently once a day whether I’d be able to take her to the ice skating rink this weekend. After it became clear she wasn’t just going to drop the subject, I persuaded my husband to take a day off golf and take her for a lesson. A single lesson was all it took to get her completely obsessed, fooling my naive husband into signing her up for weekly lessons so one of us would be forced to take her each and every week. While I don’t want to delve too deeply, or indeed at all, into the reasons behind it, but I do know that there’s no way I can ice skate in Melbourne. Or even go anywhere near an ice skating rink. I feel like, if I do, I’ll have a panic attack. But at the same time I don’t want to deprive my daughter of doing something she loves. What do I do?

In Love With Computers?

computerDespite what people believe, computers aren’t quite capable of everything. There was that movie, Him, where a woman falls in love with the husky-voiced computer that eventually turns out to be manipulating her because he wants nuclear launch codes and she’s a high-ranking United State official. Yeah, that movie had a bit of a downer ending, especially when aliens descended and she realised that she’d been tricked by an extra-terrestrial intelligence, but they realised that they’d genuinely fallen in love so they perished together in the first wave of the invasion. So bittersweet.

Yeah, so all the people in my course think they’re going to be the ones to finally break the code and create AI as smart as a human. I guess when you’re doing a software development course, you have to have a bit of ambition beyond just working in the midst of a bunch of servers in the basement, doing things that’ll be noticed by no one. Fortunately, IT has gotten a bit of credit in recent years, so the whole basement thing is mostly just something you find in the TV shows. Though there’s something to be said for that show about the bunch of girls and their male boss working in the basement and getting themselves into weird situations. What’s the name of it? The Computer Crew, or something…great British comedy.

But anyway, with computers becoming as popular as they are, it leads to a lot of inflated egos. If you do IT, it’s like you’re destined to be great. Well, maybe, but…the thing about IT being huge is that there are plenty of people getting into the game, and you need to be a computer genius with some great ideas. You don’t walk out of a quality Melbourne IT course and into stardom without being exceptional. It’d be nice for someone to make some real AI, though…


The marquee revolution

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