The Writers Must be Crazy

for saleI might not actually WATCH the show I star in, because I’ve always thought that was egotistical, but I can tell that these scripts are a bit off point. I was thrilled to be cast in Week of Our Lives, really. It’s been my big break, and I was instantly promoted to main cast so I’m here until my contract runs out of they decide to kill me off, or perhaps both. And that’s great because we get millions of viewers, but the storylines have gotten too weird even for me.

For one thing, that recent plot with me and Sharon? You know the one, where Jocelyn started dating a Conveyancer from Carlton because she was obsessed with owning a home before she was thirty, and she also wanted children who would be financial geniuses, and they’d dominate the property market and leave her a housing empire legacy. That was alright, because Jocelyn was always a bit of a maniac (even though she’s just the sweetest thing in real life). But then the writers took a massive turn and decided that they wanted to kill her off, so they had her boyfriend push her into a tank of electric eels during a visit to Ocean-Land, which was especially cruel because she’d just visited a psychic who told her that her life would soon take a shocking turn. Oh, and then her boyfriend posted a picture of her floating body on his VisageTome account with the caption ‘Ooh, this hits me right in the EELS!’

Thing is, no one believed her sweet, conveyancing solicitor boyfriend would do that. The writers screwed up if you ask me, because Jake is smart and he wouldn’t brag about murder online. Now it’s been revealed that me and Sharon (who dated Jake before, but he split up with her because she tried to force him to convey her a free home) plotted the whole thing, hacking into Jake’s account and distracting him while we pushed Jocelyn into the eel tank. Apparently I did it because I was jealous of their love, and also because Jake was the most brilliant conveyancing lawyer in Melbourne and I was still jilted from when he beat me to that big firm job. Now all the viewers hate my character. But seriously, those are some weak reasons…who is seriously lapping this up?